when Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas

I couldn't resist these wooden figures when I saw them on my trip to the Dolomites years ago.

Do you feel it too? Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas anymore. Maybe it’s the decorations—cities just don’t shine the way they used to. No twinkling lights lining every street, no music filling the air. I can barely hear a single Christmas song when I’m out. I remember people singing together, caroling, neighbors smiling. That feels like a lifetime ago.

People around me seem grumpy. I’m also grumpy when I go outside. “Joy to the world” doesn’t quite feel like joy. Sometimes I even wonder, are we really in December?

And suddenly, January 2026 is just a few days away. I’ve been living like a nocturnal creature—awake at night, asleep during the day. I feel like I’ve been a disappointment to my child. Instead of playing with him, I sink into... I’m not even sure what to call it. It isn’t exactly depression—maybe just an old habit that refuses to let go.

This motherhood guilt during the holidays seems to be a recurring theme in my life: the feeling that I’m not giving my best to my family, that instead of being present, I’m just quietly drifting through an indescribable sadness. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this rut, even though I recognize it isn’t where I want to be emotionally.

Today I slept until late afternoon, and when I woke up, my son brought me the coloring book his dad gave me for Christmas. So we colored together—a chubby cat and a cute little rabbit in the kitchen baking cinnamon rolls. We actually enjoyed it, then cuddled in bed until he asked for video-game time. “Santa” brought him a Nintendo Switch 2 with Splatoon 2 and Zelda: Link’s Awakening. My husband also bought me a cozy woodland survival game called Winter Burrow. It’s about a little mouse who leaves the big city and returns to his childhood home in the forest. His task is to restore the burrow his family once lived in—before an aunt convinced them to move away for a so-called “better life.”

I’m not much of a gamer, but it seems my husband wants me to be one. Eh? My son wants to play video games with me, but they feel too monotonous for me now. I used to love video games as a kid, though—maybe the magic of childhood has faded a little, which is why these things no longer spark the same joy.

My cooking on Christmas Day. Roasted potatoes, roasted salmon, and coconut sauce.

Last night, I baked chocolate cookies at around 2 AM. I’d made the dough the night before Christmas and then forgot to bake it. Surprisingly, the cookies still turned out great. I’d modified a recipe I found online and added oats, cashews, and cocoa powder. They’re delicious—and today I discovered that half of them were already gone while I slept.

My cookies. Hehe.

On Christmas Day I didn’t touch the piano. I wasn’t in the right spirit. But last night I finally played some Christmas tunes. Still, the music can’t quite heal the sorrow dwelling in my heart.

So once again—like last year and the years before—I’ve failed to make Christmas feel like Christmas. Honestly, I feel lost, like I’m very far from the Divine, and my soul feels starved. There’s an emptiness in me, a void that’s asking to be filled, but I don’t know what to fill it with. Or maybe I do know—but doing it requires more willpower than I have right now. And at this moment, I feel at my weakest.

Even this corner can't soothe my heart :(

Even though I’m not in the right mental space, I can still feel a small glimmer of hope tucked away in the corner of my heart. This Christmas may not be as magical as it once was, yet deep in my heart, I still hope for something magical to unfold. I wish I could emerge as a new, evolved version of myself—someone who knows how to navigate her life, set the sails, and chart the course of her own ship. I wish I could become that person.